07.24.09
Posted in Rants & Laments at 12:36 pm by Deb
Never think things can't get worse. Never think you've hit rock bottom. Those rocks will just start to slide apart, and you'll find there's a whole new level of hell you just haven't seen yet.
I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm working for less money than I made 15 years ago, but I'm trying to see the bright side. At least I have a job, time off, benefits, etc.
Had to rob the savings account last month to pay the mortgage because we had some unexpected expenses. Bright side, there's still some money left in the savings.
We just picked up another car payment, and now I've gotta figure that into the already insanely tight budget. And I still miss the old Blue Marauder. Bright side, I've got a nice new car, and at least we're not dumping money into a money pit on wheels anymore.
Came home yesterday, and there was a bill for just under $700 for the biopsy I had last month. Damned health insurance didn't cover the whole thing. Bright side, it came back negative, no cancer. And at least I HAVE health insurance.
Found out this morning that Rusty has to go back to Dr. Hess to get BOTH his ears completely roto-rooted. Guesstimate, probably right around 3 grand, maybe $2500 if I'm lucky.Hopefully, they'll approve me to finance it, since that would completely clean out the savings and there ain't no room on the credit card. The thought of putting him through that again, only this time much worse and much more expensive…and he'll be completely deaf when it's done, assuming he survives the surgery. WHY WHY WHY????? He's a good cat, he's not old, and I can't sit by and just do nothing, or just have him euthanized.
Sorry, I'm having a real hard time trying to find the bright side of that.
FUCK.
Right now I'm on the edge of a screaming, stomping, throwing things TANTRUM because suddenly NONE of it seems bright anymore. I'll be sure not to scream "what next???" because then I'll surely find out.
Permalink
Posted in Weight Loss at 9:12 am by Deb
I made myself cook breakfast instead of the BK Cheesy Bacon Wrap with Hash Browns I was craving. Only took 5 minutes. Lenders onion bagel, light margarine, and three scrambled eggs with a slice of cheese on top. Ok, so I really didn't need THREE eggs, especially with the Doc after me about the cholesterol thing. But there was only one left in the carton, and it looked really lonely there all by itself, so I scrambled it in too.
All told, it added up to 13 points, kinda high for just breakfast, but way better than the 29 points the BK thing would have cost me. Not to mention that I would have eaten that in the car. Eating in the car is always a snarf. Too worried about driving, and the next think you know, I don't even remember having breakfast. I actually sat down and ATE my breakfast today instead of snarfing it.
NEW RULE: No eating in the car.
Besides, I don't want to spill crap all over the nice new upholstery.
Permalink
Posted in Weight Loss at 8:44 am by Deb
The number finally moved. 246.2 today. In spite of my binge yesterday–I suspect it takes some time for that kind of stuff to catch up with you.
I looked back over my past four weeks of WW charts online, and I've come to see a pattern. I seem to fall off the wagon (well yesterday I took a flying leap off…) on Thursdays. I struggle to get back on track on Friday, and then the Weekend completely falls apart. I also recall that when I last did WW sucessfully, weigh-day was on Friday.
So I changed it to Friday, and recorded today's number. I feel much better, because now the little chart says I've lost 7.6 pounds in the past 4 weeks. Monday, the number would probably have been back up, and I'd be ready to give up.
Seems back when I did WW at work at the Mint, Friday weigh was great because I then cheated all weekend, and had the rest of the week to make up for it. But that was back in the early 90s, and I was single, not to mention younger. I've got to get a handle on the cheating thing, and learn to cheat smarter.
So now that I've weighed, and have the whole week ahead of me, I want to run right to Burger King and get one of their Cheesy Bacon Wraps with hash browns value meals and a coke. Yeah, I can do this, and just count it in, right? Got the whole week to work it off! I decided to look it up before I went and did it. Holy crap–that tasty little breakfast adds up to 28 points. I get 29 for the day.
I think I'll scramble a couple of eggs here at home and toast a small bagel instead.
Permalink
07.23.09
Posted in Weight Loss at 2:14 pm by Deb
The Little Bastards got me today. Jim's back on OT, so I crawled back in bed after he left. Then, I shut off the alarm and slept for another hour instead of going to the gym.
Giggling with Glee, the Little Bastards talked me into a bologny and cheese sandwich for breakfast. At least I counted it, and used mustard instead of mayo. I ate it in the car.
They were absolutely thrilled when I caved and ate a philly pretzel from today's food orgy in the break room. But they're only three points, and I counted it.
The coup was at lunch. After I went to the bank, they grabbed the wheel and deposited my fat ass at the local all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet. I loaded that take-out box with 2 pounds of greasy, wannabe chinese food, came back to work and had my own personal food orgy in my office. And DAMN, it was GOOD. Every nasty bite. I even licked the container.
So now what? Ok, I've obviously blown it for the day. I slid down the slippery slope. But I'm not going to continue and slide over the edge and keep going like I usually do. I'm not even going to attempt to figure out the points on that tasty Chinese slop. I doubt WW has a points listing for cat or dog meat anyway–that stuff could NOT have actually been chicken. I'm going to just consider my points gone for the day, and maybe have greens and a banana for supper.
I think it's safe now–the Little Bastards are happily rolling around in duck sauce and are quiet for the moment. I'm going to be ready for them tonight when they wake up from their nap…
Permalink
07.22.09
Posted in Weight Loss at 12:37 pm by Deb
Frigging VOICES. The Little Bastards followed me. They steered me toward WaWa, but at the last minute I swerved right and went to Acme instead.
Acme has the single most kick-ass salad bar around. I figured I'd get more bang for my buck there, and avoid the gooey melt sandwich that the voices wanted at WaWa.
Still, the Little Bastards followed me. They were pissed about the detour, but were soon exclaiming: "Oooh, look, macaroni salad! Marinated mushrooms swimming in oil! Seafood salad with real mayo! Brocolli salad with CHEESE! You know the cheese doesn't count if it's on Broccoli…" and on they went.
Another voice came out of the blue…the one that is gaining momentum and struggling to overpower the others. "Three kinds of greens! 0 points! Shredded carrots! 0! Plain Mushrooms! 0! Cauliflower–0! Baby corn, peas and imitation crab…add add add…put it with the fat free dressing and it's only 6 points for that HUGE container of stuff," it said. "Stuff your face with that and you won't be hungry by 4pm," it said.
Still, the Little Bastards tried hard to get me to go buy Sun Chips to go with it, saying "You'll be hungry later! They're multi-grain! Anything with the word 'sun' in the name has to be good for you…" They don't give up without a fight.
Yay for me, I managed to ignore them. Now I just have to get through the rest of the afternoon, and then face happy hour at Joe's Crab Shack tonight. I wish I could lock the little bastards in the trunk of my car before I go in there! It sucks being a food addict, but now I'm starting to sound like a diet schizo. The battle continues.
Permalink
Posted in Weight Loss at 8:53 am by Deb
"You don't really have to get up and go to the gym. You could skip it today," a voice in my head says as the alarm goes off at 4:45am. "You don't have to do the whole 30 minutes, you could just quit now," the voice says as I hit the 18 minute mark on the elliptical machine. So far, I've been really good at ignoring the Workout Slacker voices. I get up, and go work out, and that's that.
Then a different voice starts in. "You could just have a couple of bites of that pasta salad in the fridge. Nobody will know," it says. So I snitch a couple of bites, then mix up my protein shake and head to work. The voice starts again. "Hey, there's Baked Ruffles left in that bag in the drawer from yesterday. They're low-fat, you can have some, just count them in," it says. So I proceed to eat the other half of the bag. This is the voice of the rationalizing Sneak-eater.
I sit down and add up all the crap I ate yesterday, and the grand total for the day is 59.5 points. I'm allowed 29 for the day. It's only Tuesday, and I've just used up all my floating points for the week, and 4 of my 6 hard-earned excercise points. Now another voice says "wow, you've damn near blown it for the week. Might as well jump off the wagon and start over on Monday." This is the voice of the Saboteur.
I used to listen to the Workout Slacker too, and go back to bed. I've managed to ignore that one for the past month or so. Now I've got to work on ignoring the other two. One down, two to go. Small changes, but changes all the same.
People talk about motivation. Cripes, I've got all the motivation in the world. I could rattle off a million reasons why I want to lose weight. But no matter how motivated I am, I have to put myself in the mindset of ignoring the voices and making diet and excercise something I just have to do, part of my daily routine. That was a concept I saw in Jennette's book. "Dieting and excercise is just something I have to do, like taking a shower or brushing my teeth. Otherwise, I'll be a fat, smelly girl with fuzzy teeth," she says.
Permalink
07.21.09
Posted in Weight Loss at 1:48 pm by Deb
Sometimes I have to keep trying things to convince myself they don't really work. Today I tried the "shake only for breakfast and lunch" thing, even though it left me feeling shaky, lightheaded and starved last week. I figured if I brought an apple, a banana and some pickles, that would fill in the gaps.
NOPE. By 1pm, I was jonesing for a nosh.
So, I went to WaWa with images of a greasy Rueben melt and a whole bag of Sun Chips dancing in my head. I noticed the pre-made sandwich wraps in the case, and grabbed a chicken Caesar. How bad could that be? Holy crap, almost 500 calories and 22 grams of fat, that's how bad.
Wawa has started putting nutritional labels on some of their pre-made food. After recovering from sticker shock, I checked out the rest of the wrap sandwiches. To my surprise, the Buffalo Chicken wrap is only 320 calories and 8 grams of fat with a bonus of 6 grams of fiber. A totally affordable 6 points, as opposed to 11 for the Chicken Caesar. Who'd have thunk it? Pair that with a bag of baked Ruffles and a gigantic diet coke, and I'm still not blowing my day.
Thank you WaWa for keeping me on track.
Permalink
07.20.09
Posted in Weight Loss at 10:22 am by Deb
I've had a number of well-meaning people tell me I should go for the gastric bypass, or the lap-band surgery. Nice way to remind me that I'm 100 lbs overweight, one of the qualifiers needed to get the surgery. Thanks a lot, folks.
So just for shits and giggles, I spent some time researching these procedures. Conclusion: Scary shit.
Bypass: slice and dice your stomach into a tiny little pouch, and spend half a year feeling like crap and not able to eat much of anything. Frighteningly permanent. Risk of complications, including death are also frightening. I know at least a half-dozen people who have had this done and lost huge amounts of weight. One nearly died and now looks like a shriveled 90 year-old woman. Another looks like a model, only because she can hardly eat anything at all even 4 years after her surgery. The others lost right around 100 pounds each, and have gained back about a third of it (and counting), in spite of the fact that they can no longer eat steak (among other things) without spending the night driving the porcelain bus. From what I see, you get your stomach permanently screwed up for the sake of non-permanent weight loss.
Lap-band: Put a little plastic ring around your stomach, with a nasty little bladder poking out from under your skin so they can "fill" it with liquid to make it tighter if needed. Not permanent, but read frightening stories from forums and bloggers who tell tales of the thing slipping, problems with the bladder moving around and being uncomfortable, spending $8500+ on the procedure. All this for the sake of losing an average of 30-40 pounds, then leveling out and having to diet anyway.
Surgery might be the right choice for some people. But from my observations, it's only a temporary fix. Even Carnie Wilson has gained back most of what she lost and is now struggling to lose again. She was the big celebrity pioneer for the surgery. I feel for her. She must be so embarrassed.
The problem is, the surgery doesn't correct the real problem: bad eating habits, the psychological stuff, or as in my case, the addiction. I KNOW I would be one of those people who gain ALL the weight back. I'm so good at cheating, I would probably do it in record time, too. Not only that, but I still want to be able to gnaw on a nice bloody steak once in a while. And if I can change my thinking, and deal with my food addiction, I can still allow myself that indulgence once in a while.
I think I've always been a food addict. I've always overeaten, snarfing up crap even when I wasn't hungry, mindlessly munching. The difference was that when I was younger, I was constantly active, busy, and fidgety. Now I sit on my fat ass in front of a computer all day and continue to stuff my face while I do it. 5 pounds or so a year will sneak up on you.
Surgery? Not for me. Time to stop stuffing my face, and face my stuff.
Permalink
Posted in Weight Loss at 8:40 am by Deb
In spite of my week's worth of elliptical workouts and mostly staying on program, the numbers for this week have not budged. Apparently the combination of advancing age and too many BLTs (bites, licks, tastes) are keeping my wheels spinning. At least it didn't go up.
I swear, buying groceries makes me feel like an alcoholic in a liquor store. It doesn't matter if I've eaten before I go there, my drug of choice is EVERYWHERE. And yesterday I went on a bender. Figured I shouldn't go in there hungry, so I went to Burger King for breakfast. The day went to hell from there, ending with an entire pint of Haagen Dazs, and me wallowing in self-loathing.
Obviously, I need to ramp up the exercise, and cheat less on the program. I can't get away with nearly as much as I did 20 years ago. At least I made it to the gym every morning, and stayed mostly on program till Friday, and am getting back into the swing of it. Also, this week I've realized that:
a. Protein shakes only for breakfast and lunch leave me feeling shaky and lightheaded by 3:00. Even if I manage to avoid the snack machine and the food orgy of the day in the office kitchen, by the time I get home I completely lose it and rip through the fridge before I even think about cooking supper. This week, protein shakes only for breakfast, and I fill my lunchbox with fruit and veggies for lunch and afternoon snacking.
b. weekends are tough–it's just too easy to blow off the program, not document my shit, and fall back into that "I'll be good on Monday" pattern. Problem acknowledged, now I just have to commit to sticking with it 24-7, not just during the work week. FOREVER. There is no cure for addicts, and I need to remember that I AM an addict, a food junkie, and I will forever be in "recovery."
c. I'm absolutely disgusted to have a nice new shirt in frigging 3XL (on sale at Peebles for only $11.99!), and I'm totally committed to the day that it and anything else in my wardrobe with an X in the size goes either to the rag-bag or the Goodwill.
Permalink
07.17.09
Posted in Weight Loss at 7:58 am by Deb
I'm quite proud of myself–I've actually been going to the gym in the mornings before work. I get there right at 5:30 when they open, jump on the elliptical machine, and beat myself up for 30 minutes every weekday. I'm even starting to feel like one of the "regulars."
The "regulars" are an odd bunch. I've given them all wacky names as I observe them.
Speedy Guy is the weird, shaved-head, tattoed, nose-ring dude who always uses the elliptical right next to me. I call him that, because I've never seen anyone move their feet that fast. He's insane. At first, being next to him made me feel like my feet were slogging through peanut butter. He actually said hello to me one day last week. Then I made the mistake of turning on the fan, and he got all pissy about it. No more hellos for me.
Dakota Guy is a late 50ish dude who comes in and does the treadmill, and other assorted things. He has a sweet little 2WD Dakota in that same rare, dusty blue as mine, only with the short bed and no extended cab and some fancy graphics on the side. Sporty little number. He actually came up to me one morning in the parking lot, on the very day I'd come to the realization I had to sell Old Blue, and said "nice looking truck! What year is it?" He must have thought I was nuts when I got all choked up and emotional about it. I wonder what he thought when I pulled up the following week in the little red car.
Cruella is a fit-looking 50ish woman with a really weird hairdo–one of those short, ultra-chic cuts that really doesn't flatter her squarish face. Only she makes it 10 times worse by coloring it black with two huge white streaks in it. Looks like Cruella deVille.
The Desk Nazi is actually a nice 50ish lady with that same weird haircut (minus the streaks) and she looks like she might be related to Cruella. She'll hunt your ass down if you forget to swipe your membership tag. She makes coffee every morning at precisely 5:45.
Harry Hard-ass is one of those typical aging guys whose wife probably left him for another woman, and now he's trying to reclaim his stud-muffin glory days. He wears his sleeveless t-shirts so tight they look like the seams will split. Accents them with obnoxious gold chains, and I'd bet money that he's a member of the Hair Club For Men. He's short, stocky and thinks he's more buff than he is. I haven't actually seen him work out, he just kind of struts around the place.
The Save-me Dudes are the teenaged lifeguards who come schlepping in with that "I really wanted to be on Baywatch" look on their faces and are likely just here for the summer.
Speedo Guy is the skinny little nerd who ambles around the pool for way too long in that thing before he gets in. ICK.
WW Girl is the chubby chick who works in the day care and always has that big obnoxious Weight Watchers water mug in her hand, but never works out and obviously doesn't stay on the program. I think she's one of those who thinks if you just carry that mug around, you'll lose the weight by default. Been there, done that. That's why I'm there working out…
The Raquetball Fairies are two flamingly gay guys who come in with their raquets and swish down the hall to the courts a couple of times a week.They're very stylish.
Bouncy Barbie is that infuriatingly skinny, 40-something chick who comes in wearing the trendiest, most colorful "gear," hops on the treadmill and trots along like a high-stepping hackney pony. She's most likely listening to upbeat 80s tunes while she bobs her ponytail up and down (among other things…) like the aging bimbo that she is.
Then there's me, plodding along on the old elliptical while I listen to weight loss audiobooks and wonder how 30 minutes of this torture can only earn me 2 WW points. But I'm getting better at it, and I don't feel like I'm going to die at the 18 minute mark anymore. And today, I almost kept up with Speedy Guy for the last 5 minutes of my workout.
Permalink
Posted in General, News at 7:19 am by Deb
July 3, 2009. I spent the previous day saying a tearful goodbye to the Last Blue Marauder. Took it to the car wash one last time, detailed the hell out of it, cleaned all my stuff out of it. The thing looked like it just rolled out of the showroom. That, and the fact that GM is desperate to sell cars, is probably why they gave us $6200 for it in trade.They must not have looked underneath it.
I ended up getting a little red Chevy Cobalt with a sunroof. I decided if I had to give up my fabulous truck for an ordinary little car, it would at least have a sunroof. And be red. And the harp had to fit in it. When we pulled into the dealer's lot, there it was, sunroof and all, right on the end of the row. The salesman looked at me like I was nuts when the first thing I did was open the back doors and shove my harp in the back seat. It fit. And after about an hour and a half of annoying paperwork, I sadly looked over my shoulder one last time as we drove away and left Old Blue sitting in their lot. Goodbye old friend, I thought as I desperately tried not to cry. Sorry Dad, I swore I'd never sell your truck, but…
So now I have this little red car. It's nothing fancy, but it's comfortable. I can fit a ton of shit in it. It gets great gas mileage. The stereo has an outlet for my blackberry. And that sunroof really rocks. Still, it's taken some getting used to. I've been driving trucks for the past 10 years, and now I feel like I'm sitting in a hole. I have to climb out instead of hopping down. The thing is so quiet, it's hard to tell if it's running sometimes. (Old Blue had a hole in the muffler.) I've done my best to make peace with letting go of Old Blue, and I'm starting to enjoy having a new car.
Yeah, it's NEW. I know a used car would have been a much better buy, yadda yadda. But we got the GM employee discount, and the incentive, and the good trade…price was right. And dammit, there's something to be said for a nice clean car that has nobody else's cooties in it. The only other NEW car I've ever owned was the 88 Samurai, and what a disaster that thing was! I went out and bought a mess of Scotchgard and did all the seats and carpet. My house might look like a bomb hit it, but my vehicles are always clean. And this one is uber-clean. I'd like to keep it that way. Yeah, it's kinda nice. I like the car.
But now, I'm noticing little red cars everywhere. There's 4 of them, all different makes, but same color, same size sedans, in the GS parking lot. I actually had to do a double take yesterday at the ACME because I wasn't sure I had the right car when I came out–there was another one in the same row. Never had that problem with Old Blue–it stood out in the crowd.
Yep, it looks like I've unwittingly joined the little red car club.
Permalink
07.01.09
Posted in Rants & Laments at 5:19 pm by Deb
It's starting to have problems, like any vehicle that's recently been paid for. One place wanted $2500 for a bunch of front end work. Now the dreaded head gasket is going. $10 part, $1500 worth of labor to get to the damn thing. Every chance he gets, Jim bitches about what a piece of shit it is, and tonight said something about getting rid of it and getting me some stupid little car.
But it's the Blue Marauder. The VERY LAST ONE. Dad's last blue truck, that he sold me two weeks before he died. He loved his trucks, and he really didn't want to sell it unless he could sell it to me. Of course he sold it to me cheap. I think he would have just given it to me, but out of fairness to my sisters… well it was only fair. I joked that he could come visit it any time he wanted when he brought it down to the bonfire party almost three years ago. And two weeks later, he was gone. And I swore I would never, ever sell that big blue turd.
He even rode home with me one night, not long after he passed. I wrote about it here. I still have his hat with all the silly railroad pins on it hung over the headrest on the passenger seat. Yeah, it's an underpowered gas-guzzling "piece of shit" to hear Jim tell it, but it was DAD'S TRUCK. And I don't want to sell it. But I don't want to spend a fortune fixing it either.
Permalink
Comments off
Posted in Weight Loss at 8:58 am by Deb
Snarfing. That's what I call it when I'm eating without even realizing it. Just mindlessly munching on stuff, or eating it so fast I hardly register the taste.
Yesterday, was dying for some cashews. Got a can of them, and figured I'd just have a few and put them away, and keep them in my desk drawer for a quick snack once in a while. I barely remember eating half the can after the first bite. 14 points worth!! I counted it on my tracker, but I'm starting to recognize this destructive pattern I've developed of eating stuff without even tasting or enjoying it. I mean, if I'm going to go "nuts" and eat 14 points worth of cashews, I should sit down and savor the experience, right?
Snarfing. Gotta deal with it.
Permalink
Comments off